Handling Sibling Rivalry, 1977

I wrote this over 30 years ago. I read this to Anne, my oldest daughter recently, and we collapsed in laughter. What strikes me now is how earnest and intellectual I was trying to be, pretending I could objectively stay above the fray. Some of my advice is excellent; too bad I wasn't able to follow it. My journal entry sounds like a grad school essay. I had obviously read too many parenting books and taken too many contradictory parenting classes..

Perhaps it would help me to write down my ideas on intervening between Anne and Michelle. I'm very concerned not to intervene too much, confirming Anne's self-concept as the mean older sister and Michelle's self-concept as the helpless baby. I don't want to spend the next 15 years as arbitrator, judge, and referee. Anne's and Michelle's relationships with each other will last far longer than my relationship with either of them. They have to learn to cope with each other by themselves. I don't want their relationship to be funneled through me. If we have a third child, Anne and Michelle will very likely always be sharing a room.

On the other hand, I don't want Anne to think she can vent all her frustrations on Michelle ,or Michelle to think I'll never protect her from unprovoked hostility. I don't think it's possible to formulate any rules applicable in all situations. But I'll try to state some general principles.

1. When in doubt about what to do, don't interfere.
2. If I am concerned that one of them could really get hurt, always intervene. If Anne really hurt Michelle, she would feel overwhelming guilt and I would feel overwhelming anger--neither of which emotions she is old enough to handle. In practical terms, that means always being within interfering distance when they are both playing on the slide, on the climbing structure, or on the terrace.
3. When other people are around who would tend to think very badly of Anne, intervene.
4. Protect Anne from Michelle. She should have time alone in her room to paint, to build with blocks, when Michelle is not constantly at her back, intent to destroy what Anne just made. When Anne complains that Michelle is bothering her, respond and help her out. It is completely unreasonable to expect Anne to handle Michelle's interference by herself. I find it hard enough to distract single-minded Michelle.
   
5. Encourage Anne to find solutions to the problem herself. "I'm sorry Michelle keeps knocking down your blocks. Do you have any idea how we can stop her from doing it." I hope some of you can laugh at me as much as I can. Poor Anne. No wonder, she told me, a few years later, "Don't give me any of that active listening crap."
6. Try to spend one hour special time with Anne after dinner. Now that she will be away from me three hours a day in nursery school, this is particularly important.
7. Make a firm rule about no hitting with things. Otherwise the thing gets put in the closet until the next day. "Blocks are for building, not for hitting Michelle. You can have it back tomorrow. End of discussion."
8. When I find it necessary to intervene, use actions not words. No screaming, notgetting angry. Separate them physically. Then, and only then, try to help Anne. "I think you are trying to say something to Michelle. Talk it. Yuo can talk; you don't have to hit. I know how you feel, but I can't let you hurt Michelle. It makes her feel like hitting you."
9. When one of them is likely to continue hurting, use physical restraint. Take her to another room to calm down, telling her she can come back when she can play without hurting.
10. Don't get angry. If I can't intervene without getting angry, don't bother. Michelle is not a helpless baby, and she is not always an innocent victim. Don't always assume I saw the curtain-raiser to this particular squabble.

Certainly there has always been more sibling rivalry between Anne and Michelle, 26 months apart, than with my two younger daughters. Anne was 5 and Michelle was 3 1/2 when Rose was born. Rose was 3 1/2 when Carolyn was born. It continues to this day. The weekend Michelle moved up to Boston, where Anne had lived for 6 years, they argued for an hour over whether Michelle could take chicken off a pizza slice that Anne had paid for if she wasn't eating the whole slice. My youngest Carolyn, who had been9 when Anne and Michelle had separated, was aghast. Anne and Michelle were married two weeks apart; there was some competition over which family members would come to which wedding.